(Even when they push you away)
For parents today, the greatest pressure isn’t necessarily the busyness, the endless practices, and appointments, but the vague and uneasy sense we could all be doing something more. After all, that’s what the influencers on social media are saying.
And, in our increasingly fragmented and digital society, our child’s health and future feels entirely dependent on us. We don’t have a village to raise this kid. It’s us against the world.
These are both false stories. For one, it’s not you against the world: family, teachers, Young Life leaders, and more are alongside you. Second, while we all could be doing more, life is more about habits than grand acts.
Your relationship with your child is about habits. The way you set them up to thrive is about what you do over time.
Yes, your teenager will ignore you, ghost your texts, or act openly antagonistic. This is part of the roller coaster of adolescence, the only time other than toddlerhood (remember that age?) when change and hormones play such prominent roles.
Habits are strategies to get through this time — small things you can do regularly to create connection with either your child or someone you care about (niece, nephew, grandchild, neighbor — you get the picture).
Think of them less as “to-dos” and more as relational practices. And they each have science to back them up.
- Be glad to see them. Make this the first step of each day, no matter what sort of mood they have. Who doesn’t know when someone is glad to see them? Or, are you ready to pounce on them for something (they got home late, there’s a mess in the kitchen)? A 2023 study linked parental warmth with adolescent mental health. Even without a study, the regular warmth you create matters.
- Leave an encouraging note or send a text. The same 2023 study leads us to another conclusion: affirm kids for who they are. In adolescence, kids are trying on different identities to see what fits. They’re taking the raw data of the world (looks matter, achievements matter, do I matter?) and trying to create a coherent story of the world. Guess what helps? Having people on their side. Leave a note that describes who they are regardless of achievements — for something kind they did or a characteristic they have. They’ll feel seen, which is often considered so important that it’s tantamount to being loved.
- Speak their strengths over them. Related to leaving an encouraging note, who doesn’t love to be reminded of what they’re good at? A 2019 study in the Journal of Adolescence noted that strengths-based parenting increases resilience. After all, this is a chance to see a young person for who they are and call out what they’re good at beyond performance-based results. Make this a habit, and you’ll see increased confidence and self-understanding. Remember, adolescents are building identities and stories about themselves, and you get to help them create good ones.
- Share an activity. Much of life is formed in small moments. Drives back and forth to school or practices can often create deeper conversation than face-to-face talks (especially for a texting generation). If family dinner is hard, due to those practices, what about a late-night snack or hot chocolate before bed? Running to the store can be a time to splurge and invite your teen. (They’ll come if you promise food.) Any single one of these moments won’t be life-changing, but it’s part of forming close relationships, which our RELATE Project found as a key ingredient in flourishing.
- Listen without judging. Also in Young Life’s RELATE Project, our study of over 7,200 adolescents around the globe, we heard one thing loud and clear: listen first. Listening with a non-judgmental response helps drive close relationships. Often, the younger generation wants to simply tell us how it is, because they need others in it with them. For this generation, pivoting to advice or to evaluate what people are saying is a death knell of connection. Adolescents want to be heard.
- Admit you don’t have it all together. In Sticky Faith, Dr. Kara Powell and Dr. Chap Clark outline characteristics of a faith that transfers from one generation to the next. One thing they found? Allowance for doubts. That is, you don’t have to admit you have it all together. Closely related, parental apologies are tied to meeting adolescent needs. Apologies matter, especially if they’re not the “defensive apology” kind (you know what I’m talking about). When you don’t have everything together, it allows your adolescent not to be perfect, too — especially in a world where image and perfection are highly valued.
- Ask their opinion. The younger generations have incredible assets. They have a desire for justice. They long to be known as kind and good more than they long to be known as smart or successful. These are traits that God values — justice, goodness, and kindness. When you ask an opinion of a young person, you encourage their agency and value — key aspects of flourishing that The RELATE Project found. Ask what they think about current events, social media, AI — any of it — and see what they have to say. I bet they might surprise you.
Think of what’s above as less of “to-dos” and more as habits. Helping the young people in your life thrive is a set of habits to practice, not a one-and-done event.
Young Life’s RELATE Project found that teens need three primary things to flourish: a high self-concept where they know their worth and the difference they can make, close relationships, and a sense of belonging. What’s above speaks to those three aspects — whether it’s reminding them of their worth, doing activities together to build relationships, or letting them know you want to listen before passing judgment.
You could try to do all seven in a week. Or, you could pick one and make it a habit, finding ways to make it part of your relationship. Chances are, you’re already doing some of what’s above — because you’re someone who cares about relationships with young people. And the world needs more of that!
