Connecting with adolescents can be intimidating. But it’s important — and simpler than you might think.
Making inroads with kids and young adults can be tricky. It’s a difficult time for them. They’re undergoing one of the most dramatic eras of physical, emotional, and social change in their lives. It’s a period of doubt, disruption, new fears, new hopes, and new interests emerging — even as old ones fade away.
A young person’s identity shifts dramatically during this period, often away from adults and toward their peers. They crave independence, respect, and authenticity — sometimes seeking these things in ways that are opposed to their best interests.
But connecting with them becomes all the more important during this period, and it doesn’t have to be complicated.
The RELATE Project found, among other things, that the quality of Gen Z’s relationships matters far more than the quantity. Periods of transition are difficult for anyone, but they’re much less lonely for young adults who feel they have someone in their lives who truly listens to and understands them.
And Gen Z needs to know we’re here for them. An alarming 40% of Gen Z respondents said they weren’t confident they were worthy of love.
It’s up to us to change that.
SAFE PLACES, ACTIVE PRACTICES
One of the first and most helpful things we can do is make our relationship with them a safe place, no matter who we are or how we relate to the young people in our lives. But becoming a safe place takes quite a bit of work.
Put in the effort to learn emotional self-regulation. Learn your triggers, and how to manage them. It takes a great deal of strength and insight to be as patient and flexible as some young people need you to be, particularly if they’ve faced hardship in their past.
Adopt explicit practices to help build the relationship, as well. Actively listen when they talk to you. Be inquisitive, emotionally open, and respectful. Your gentle, persistent, consistent presence could be the one thing that makes all the difference for a young person in your life.
Sometimes, of course, adolescents need more than presence. They need guidance, and consolation. It’s important to step into a place of guidance correctly, though. Some of the most effective guidance for the young people in our life can be providing a loving (and good) example.
Volunteer together. You get to spend time with each other while doing real and tangible good in the community. It’s a powerful way to bond with adolescents, and it connects them to the broader community at the same time.
Find out what they need, and try to meet it. If they need to figure something out, do it alongside them and give them the chance to acquire a new life skill. Go out of your way to teach them new techniques they haven’t learned yet, but might need soon.
Lastly, try to be the sort of person modeling a positive example. Show them what empathetic behavior looks like, both in your relationship with them and others. Model healthy boundaries, too. And if you have the opportunity, use any conflicts as a chance to show them healthy conflict resolution.
EQUIPPERS NOT ENTERTAINERS
Connecting with adolescents is about more than finding the right question to start a conversation. It’s about building a relationship in which they feel comfortable, accepted, and respected.
They don’t need us to impress or entertain them. They don’t need us to be perfect people, either. But they do need us.
So let’s show up for them, one day at a time.
